I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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