I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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