he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
