Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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