do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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