A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
