i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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