turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
