I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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