Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
