broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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