I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
