Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I've blown a few things in my day
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
