you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize