woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize