I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
