i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I have already put on my inside pants.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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