all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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