He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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