In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Randomize
