my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
