Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
No subtext here. People are naked.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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