shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize