I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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