So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
