i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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