I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
