Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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