Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize