I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
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Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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