Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
