When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
