i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
