just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
