We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
