its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
