I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
