My liver just broke up with me...
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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