i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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