I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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