it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize