I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
