oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
