I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
