i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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