I will die if light touches me.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
