His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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