Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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