he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize