I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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