just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
