Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
