I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
