True but thats because hes a fetus.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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