Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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