I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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