Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
