somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
