walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
