You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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